i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
