Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
