my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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