K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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