He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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