Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
