I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
