Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
