I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
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Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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