Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i drank out of a bidet.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
