Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I faked an abortion last night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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