is your mom at the bar?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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