I'm lost and stupid without you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
