I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
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I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
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My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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