She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
