awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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