His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
