Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
