mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
