The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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