i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
