i need an iv and a liver transplant
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
