Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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