I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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