I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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