I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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