the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
