ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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