new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
