Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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