I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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