Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
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You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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