I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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