He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
