I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
