I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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