Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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