I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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