could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
organizing the empties. That sober.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
