I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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