btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
