how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
where are my eyebrows?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
