Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
