I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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