Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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