i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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