we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
