Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
