Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
