I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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