Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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