just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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