The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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